It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
