I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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