i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
