Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
