Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
