the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
should my penis look like a turkey
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
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