the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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