dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
