Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize