at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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