no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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