if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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