Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
