I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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