Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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