Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
