The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
She told me I should be a condom model.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Randomize