I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
