Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
