I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Less talking, more tequila
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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