hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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