My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he was CRYING into my vagina
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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