i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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