Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
