did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
