Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
