It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
