My Higher Power is John Stamos
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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