I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
