I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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