Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
