I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
