My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
