Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
