I never want to see another naked old woman again.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
