And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
