and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
