I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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