Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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