I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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