guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
