umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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