I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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