I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize