I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
