and my herpes radar will keep us safe
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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