I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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