just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He kissed a someone with a penis
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
