Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize