why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
