My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
