were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
