My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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