I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
