I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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