The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
