i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
