I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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