We're like a lot better than the average bears
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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