There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My life is pants optional.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
