i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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