Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
