There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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