worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
