i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Randomize
