Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
