My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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