I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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