Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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